All about relationships: An open letter to my single sisters in the Lord (bonus feature: lyrics of my love song, "Faithfully")

Dear sisters,

I know what a lot of you are struggling about right now... "love life", di ba? How do I know? Nanggaling din ako diyan. Talaga naman, mahirap 'pag emotions ang kalaban. Ang love life na yata, ang pinakamasalimuot na area ng buhay ng isang single. Hindi ba?

Well, gusto ko sana i-share sa inyo ang pinagdaanan ko sa sarili kong love life (kung ok lang sa inyo). Kasi, gusto kong malaman niyo na there was a point in my life, na hopeless na talaga akong makapag-asawa. Feeling ko, tatandang dalaga ako! Anyways, here goes...

Nung naging Christian ako, na star struck yata ako dun sa brother na nag-preach nung "baptism" ko. Mukhang "hip" na pastor ang dating niya. Cool di ba? Siyempre, simula nun, nain-love na 'ko sa kanya. As in, in-love. Di ba, ang ibig sabihin ng "in-love" ay "infatuated", "obsessed"? Ibig sabihin, 'pag in love ka, hindi mo controlled ang emotions mo. You don't act by reason, by obsession. Kaya nga sabi nung isang psychologist "in-love" is not real love.

So, dahil in-love ako sa kanya, I did things to please him. It came to the point when I confessed na parang siya na yata ang "Lord of my life." Kasi siya ang motivation ko sa paggawa ko ng mga bagay-bagay. Well, ano pa nga pa ang i-expect mo from such kind of situation? Ible-bless ba ni God 'yun? Hindi! Kasi, kung nawawala ka sa sarili mong katinuan dahil sa emotions mo para sa isang tao, eh, hindi healthy 'yun para sa iyo. Kaya, buti na lang, God spared me from destroying myself. I considered that brother for FOUR LONG YEARS! At kinonsider ba nya ko? Hindi!

Kaya nga one night, iyak ako ng iyak kay God. Sabi ko "God, take this away from me! These feelings are making me struggle, and bitter towards you! Is this what you want God? Please God, take my feelings for that brother away!" Siyempre, mega drama ako kay God. Sarap ng tulog ko nung gabing yun. Pero alam n'yo, miracle of all miracles, nawala siya sa puso ko. As in, OK lang kung hindi niya ko gusto at kung hindi kami para sa isa't-isa. Hindi ko talaga tinantanan si God. I think he's happily married now (I mean the brother, not God. Well....)

Ok, next story. Teka, nasabi ko ba sa inyong parang "Star Wars" ang love life
ko? Five part kasi 'to eh. K lang? If ok, read on...

PART 2:
Dahil nga broken hearted ako, at feeling ko wala nang magmamahal sa akin, nagsugo si God ng magmamahal sa akin. Isa siyang "cute" na brother sa campus ministry. Hehehe. Anyway, awesome naman siya, pero hindi ko talaga siya gusto nung una. Ayaw ko talaga sa kanya, kaya lang pinipilit ako nga mga friends ko. Hay naku...can you relate? Sabi pa ng sector leader ko, "'pag na-inlove ka dun sa brother, pagtatawanan kita. Hahahahahahaha!!!" Kainis!

Pero, true enough, dumating 'yung time na parang nagkakafeelings ako sa kanya. Nakakaloka! I tried to deny it, pero hindi ako mapakali. Finally, i told one of my best friends about it. And guess what? The news spread like wild fire!!! As in, tuksuhan dito. Tuksuhan dun. Ganun. Kaya, akala ko talaga siya na.

However, when I examined my heart further kung ready na ba talaga akong magkarelationship at kung siya na nga ba ang gusto ko, narealize ko na hindi pa. Hindi pa ako ready at unfair naman na pumasok ako sa isang relationship na may doubts ako. Kaya, ang lola niyo, nag hold back. I started keeping my heart away from the brother. Sorry talaga dun sa brother. Pero, in fairness, friends pa rin kami ngayon! At... may girlfriend na rin siya. Maganda na, matalino pa! O di ba?

Part 3:
Siyempre always in search for true love, my eyes were opened to this brother. He's been with me in the campus ministry for a long time but I never really paid much attention. One day, he asked me on a date! (Sisters, you know naman the feeling of being asked on a date by a brother di ba? Siyempre, kilig moment). Sino kaya ang pwedeng magsabi sa brothers ngayon na, "simpleng ask lang ng date, masaya na ang isang sister"? Yun nga lang may mag-ask sa'yo sa date, kahit gusto mo man o hindi ang brother, feeling mo ang ganda-ganda mo di ba?

Anyways, feeling ko nga ang ganda-ganda ko! Nagdate kami nung brother at wow, feeling ko may pyro olympics sa paligid namin nung time na 'yun. Maraming twinkles sa aking mata, at nakikita ko rin ang twinkle sa kanyang mga mata. Sobrang kilig ako nun! Take note, every single cell sa katawan ko, kinikilig. Hindi ako nakatulog after that. Sabi nga nung "discipler" ko, para daw akong in-ask. Hehehe

Akala ko siya na. Pero, ang brother pala may listahan. May number 1, number 2, at kung anu-ano pang number. Unfortunately, hindi ako ang number one. Number two lang ako. Kaya nga favorite song ko non, "Would you be my number two? Me and number one are through..." At may poem pa ko nun na, "It's ok to be number two."

Grabe noh?! Bakit kaya ganito tayong mga babae? Mga martyr? Kahit niyuyurak-yurakan na ang ating puso, go pa rin tayo! I pretended na hindi ako nasasaktan at tinuloy ko pa rin ang feelings ko for him.

Finally, I asked him on a date on one of the singles' banquets. (Style 'yun para iparamdam sa brother na, may feelings ako for him) Ang saya-saya ko pa naman nun. Pero, nung nadevelope ang mga pictures, guess what? Ang lungkot ng lolo nyo! Parang hindi siya excited na makasama ako sa espesyal na gabing 'yon. Huhuhuhu. Kaya ang sabi ko sa sarili ko, "Kung hindi masaya ang brother na ito na makasama ako, hindi ako ang sister para sa kanya." End of the Chapter.

Part 4:
Ah eto. Eto na ang pinakachallenging na parte ng love life ko. Dahil nga nasiphayo ako sa lovelife ko, not once but thrice, feeling ko ang pangit-pangit ko. At feeling ko, walang brother na magkakagusto sa akin dahil marami akong masamang ugali. At, marami namang sisters na maganda na at ispirituwal pa. Sino naman ang magkakagusto sa akin? Siyempre, mga lies ni Satan 'yan.

Dumating ang time na naka graduate ako sa campus ministry at nagmove-on sa single's ministry. Siyempre, pag single ka na, nagpapaganda ka na. Medyo, maayos-ayos na ang suot mo, hindi na gusgusin. At siyempre, ang kolorete 'wag kalilimutan.

I had my first job in a call center. Sabi ng isang sister, ang "smile" daw natin ang pinakamagandang asset natin. Kaya, sa first job ko, I smiled a lot. Nakakamagnet pala 'yun. Hindi naman sa pagmamalaki, pero marami talaga akong namagnet na friends. At siyempre, marami rin akong namagnet na "boys".

Alam n'yo kasi tayong mga sisters, maganda talaga ang ating mga "aura". Magaganda na nga tayo physically, malalalim tayo, at talagang may kakaibang warmth tayo. No wonder, may mga men outside the church na na-aattract sa atin...sa inyo. Well, that's what happened.

What's wrong was, I started entertaining the flattery. I started subtly flirting with them. I started responding to their sweet text messages. N'un ko lang na-experience 'yun. After 5 years of becoming a disciple, finally, some men were making efforts to woo me. Wow, it was a different kind of feeling. I felt like a beautiful woman.

I felt attracted to my trainor who was an american. We also started out just texting each other, until we made clear that we were interested in each other. Sisters, nakakahiya man aminin, bumigay ako. I allowed myself to fall in love with him. And he knew that. There were times na nasa worship ako na umiiyak ako kasi for the first time in my life as a Christian, I felt like may kaagaw na si God sa puso ko. I actually felt like nagbabattle ako kung sino ang pipiliin ko. Alam ko kasi na I can't choose God and not let go of the guy I liked. He's not a believer. Nung time na 'yun, naramdaman ko what it means to walk in the valley of the shadow of death.

Then, I started making rationalizations. Love ko naman siya, ah. Sabi sa Bible, there's no law against love. Hindi naman kami impure eh. What if, magiging disciple pala siya? What if ako ang maging instrument ni God para maging disciple siya? I'm sure 'yun ang will ni God. Yun naman ang will ni God for everyone di ba? So, I clung on to my heart for him. I was able to bring him to church twice, and he said he's willing to study the Bible and become a Christian. The more I clung to him. I clung to him because I refused to acknowledge that "yoking" with him, being "in-love" with him was wrong in the first place.

Sabi nga sa Bible, God won't give you struggles you can't overcome. And He'll also provide a way out. God provided a way out. Finally, my American trainor had to go back to the states. I tried to set him up to study the Bible with Christians in the states, but I lost contact with him. God spared me from destroying my life again.

PART 5:
Somebody once said, "God is reserving victories for those who struggled and not give up." I believe God reserved victory for me. Finally, tired from all the "pursuing" I made, I told God, "God, I don't want to pursue love anymore. I surrender my love life to you. It's yours to control. I just have three requests (may request-request pa). God the next time I like someone, let these three things be in him, 1. He pursues me (kasi pagod na ako mag-pursue), 2. He inspires me in his walk with you (para spiritual attraction hindi physical lang), 3. He's my best friend (para hindi nauunahan ng feelings ang friendship). At sana God, siya na."

Siguro, natuwa si God sa prayer ko. Not long after I decided to surrender to God, I visited a Christian website, an ICC-runned website. Sabi kasi nung discipler ko, "Why don't you try building friendship with a lot of people? And then, let God move in your love life?" She also encouraged me to visit that website kesa naman sa world ako naaattract. I did visit the website and I found it interesting. Nakita ko ang iba't ibang points of view ng mga disciples about different issues. Narealize ko rin na dating is highly cultural.

In December, I posted a prayer chain, where people can choose a date to put their prayer requests. Then on that date they chose, they had to pray for everyone else. It was a hit!!! So many disciples signed up. When my turn came to pray for everyone, I went through the list. There was one prayer that struck me the most. It was posted by Azaryah. I thought to myself, "This sister has an awesome heart."

It took me some weeks to realize Azaryah is not a sister but a brother. His name was Joseph Le. He was inspired by the prayer chain idea and so he wrote a "thank you" e-mail to me. What followed were sharing of quiet times, which we both needed at that time for our repentance. We exchanged ideas on several spiritual issues. We realized we have so much in common in our interests. Our friendship grew fast. Ganun pala, when you "think", "speak", "act" spiritual together, you grow in your friendship. That's what happened to us.

The time came when he wanted to pursue me, so he e-mailed all my close friends, spiritual parents and advisors to signify his interest. He pursued me all the way from the other side of the world. And he did it by faith. What happened next was a love story I could never have made happen by my own design and strength.

God gave me more than I can ever, ever ask for. Like I say, "God doesn't answer prayers exactly the way we want him, but He answers in amazing ways." Well, tinupad naman ni God yung 3 requests ko: 1) He pursued me, 2) He inspired me spiritually, 3) He became my best friend.

Sana na-inspire kayo sa mala "Star Wars" na kwento ng love life ko. Sisters, alam ko na kanya-kanya tayo ng istorya sa buhay at maaaring just another love story ang love story ko. Pero, ito lang ang masasabi ko, REFUSE TO SETTLE FOR LESS. God, who is generous, rich, powerful, good, loving, knows and wants what's best for all of us.

At kung dumating man ang time na merong iba sa atin na hindi talaga makapag-aasawa, isipin na lang natin si Jesus. Minsan, tinatanong ko kung bakit si Jesus, hindi nagka girlfriend para may example naman tayo kung paano magkaroon ng relationship sa opposite sex. Only recently did I get the answer...I think. The answer is...because we can live without it and it's not essential.

Jesus didn't need a girlfriend or a wife to be content and complete. We are his wife at totoo at malalim sa puso niya 'yon. My message is not really that of contentment though (though it's a good thing to have), it's more of God's faithfulness, and our faithfulness to God. We have the same God who doesn't show favoritism. He is FAITHFUL TO EVERYONE OF US.

Pasensya na kayo pero may huling hirit pa ako. Gaya ng "Star Wars" may theme song din ang love life namin ni Joe. Gusto ko sanang handugan kayo ng song na ito. Sana ma-inspire kayo.

"FAITHFULLY"

By Eric and Leslie Ludy

Tonight, I saw a shooting star

It made me wonder where you are

For years I have been dreaming of you

I wonder if you're thinking of me too.

In this world of cheap romance

With love that only fades after the dance

They say that I'm a fool to keep on waiting for you

How can I give up pleasure for

A dream that won't come true?

I have longed for true love